The perfect /prog/lang

I'm trying to determine the common traits of /prog/-approved languages:
lets start
1.GC is shit.
Does everyone agree? Are incremental GC's or automatic refcounting also shit?

>>3

fast to parse.

No. Nobody fucking cares about parsing speed, cause it's never a bottleneck.

It should be approachable to beginners.

No. The perfect language should cater to programmers, not to newfags from hackerreddit.

The rest of the points are fairly good.