Name: Anonymous 2015-01-03 2:33
I just got home from a date with a rather cute girl from work who asked me out (I honestly don't know why, since I'm quiet all the time, and I'm physically mediocre at best). We went to see that last Hobbit movie. It was terrible. Let me tell you why it was terrible.
First off, it is sloooow. We start somewhere with the titular midget dicking around with the burlier midgets in the mountain, looking for shit. Boring! I wanted to see the dragon wreck some shit. Finally we get to the part where the dragon starts to wreck shit, and it still somehow drags on, and I don't care in the slightest about and no longer remember the safety of anyone except the loli. Then Smaug acts like a dumbshit and basically begs to be shot. He does. That's right, he stands there and taunts the riverboat guy while he lines up the shot. Then the town is stranded. Big suprise there, who builds a town on a fucking lake anyway?
Meanwhile, back in the cave, leader dwarf is demanding them search an enormous amount of area, much of it buried under thousands of tons of gold, and is shocked the can't find it. Suddenly, the elves march up, dressed like the temple elves in Morrowind, and demand a necklace. The humans from the town decide that instead of rebuilding their lives, they need to fight for some gold (ostentatiously to rebuild, but who the fuck are they going to buy from?), and join the elves.
So far, that's three of the five armies: a team of, like, ten dwarves, a thousand elves, and fifty humans. Yeah, really stretching the the definition of `army'.
Vastly outnumbered, the dwarves make the obvious decision to refuse to honor promises already made and fight while outnumbered . Their plan is that other dwarves will magically know to come. And you know what? It works! More dwarves come. How's that for some plothacking! But that comes later.
Meanwhile, for reasons forgotten from the previous movies, Gandalf is locked in a cage by the ring wraiths and that ugly wood elf bitch comes to save him, but then fails, and has to be saved by that Riverdale elf and some others who probably weren't important. Gandalf goes to the Lonely Mountain and tells the Dwarves to come off it. They get pissy and tell him to fuck off. That night, Bilbo sneaks out and gives the magic rock that he had been hiding to Gandalf, then sneaks back to the dwarves and brags about it to their faces. Then those other dwarves show up, and it's almost time for battle. But... we are missibg an army, aren't we?
The army we are missing is the orcs from Arrakis, and they flank the others by riding their spice worms under the mountain. All hell breaks loose, and the humans and cave dwarves should be instantly killed, but are not. This being LOTRs, there obviously has to be eagles, and they come and pick up orcs and drop them, as well as dropping a bear into the battle field .
The battle goes on so long that you just stop giving a shit. This is a good time to go get more popcorn or something. It's padded with great moment, like Bilbo killing several orcs by throwing a small rock at each of them, characters brawling with orcs three times their size on a frozen lake, character's trying to drop buildings on one another, and characters who we know are going to live (because they show up in chronologically later movies) being placed in mortal danger only to defy physics and live.
But, alas, romance. Some elf woman fell in love with a dwarf, that dwarf dies, and the movie devotes a good five minutes to this. Nobody gave a shit about any of them! The movie was already too long you fucking kikes!
It finally fucking ends, and several of the annoying fucksticks are finally dead. Since the she-elf from that failed romance rejected Legolas, he decides to leave forever and asks his father what to do. His father tells him to go north and find a man named Strider.
Wait, what? Bilbo is, like, fifty now, right? And he waits until his eleventy first birthday to give Frodo the ring and kick off Fellowship. So that makes Aragon, at least seventy years old! How the fuck does that work?
In summary, it was a terrible movie and a waste of time to watch. Don't watch it, and don't watch franchise movies, because they are always stupid shit. At least we both disliked it and complained together afterwards, but still no fuggling.
First off, it is sloooow. We start somewhere with the titular midget dicking around with the burlier midgets in the mountain, looking for shit. Boring! I wanted to see the dragon wreck some shit. Finally we get to the part where the dragon starts to wreck shit, and it still somehow drags on, and I don't care in the slightest about and no longer remember the safety of anyone except the loli. Then Smaug acts like a dumbshit and basically begs to be shot. He does. That's right, he stands there and taunts the riverboat guy while he lines up the shot. Then the town is stranded. Big suprise there, who builds a town on a fucking lake anyway?
Meanwhile, back in the cave, leader dwarf is demanding them search an enormous amount of area, much of it buried under thousands of tons of gold, and is shocked the can't find it. Suddenly, the elves march up, dressed like the temple elves in Morrowind, and demand a necklace. The humans from the town decide that instead of rebuilding their lives, they need to fight for some gold (ostentatiously to rebuild, but who the fuck are they going to buy from?), and join the elves.
So far, that's three of the five armies: a team of, like, ten dwarves, a thousand elves, and fifty humans. Yeah, really stretching the the definition of `army'.
Vastly outnumbered, the dwarves make the obvious decision to refuse to honor promises already made and fight while outnumbered . Their plan is that other dwarves will magically know to come. And you know what? It works! More dwarves come. How's that for some plothacking! But that comes later.
Meanwhile, for reasons forgotten from the previous movies, Gandalf is locked in a cage by the ring wraiths and that ugly wood elf bitch comes to save him, but then fails, and has to be saved by that Riverdale elf and some others who probably weren't important. Gandalf goes to the Lonely Mountain and tells the Dwarves to come off it. They get pissy and tell him to fuck off. That night, Bilbo sneaks out and gives the magic rock that he had been hiding to Gandalf, then sneaks back to the dwarves and brags about it to their faces. Then those other dwarves show up, and it's almost time for battle. But... we are missibg an army, aren't we?
The army we are missing is the orcs from Arrakis, and they flank the others by riding their spice worms under the mountain. All hell breaks loose, and the humans and cave dwarves should be instantly killed, but are not. This being LOTRs, there obviously has to be eagles, and they come and pick up orcs and drop them, as well as dropping a bear into the battle field .
The battle goes on so long that you just stop giving a shit. This is a good time to go get more popcorn or something. It's padded with great moment, like Bilbo killing several orcs by throwing a small rock at each of them, characters brawling with orcs three times their size on a frozen lake, character's trying to drop buildings on one another, and characters who we know are going to live (because they show up in chronologically later movies) being placed in mortal danger only to defy physics and live.
But, alas, romance. Some elf woman fell in love with a dwarf, that dwarf dies, and the movie devotes a good five minutes to this. Nobody gave a shit about any of them! The movie was already too long you fucking kikes!
It finally fucking ends, and several of the annoying fucksticks are finally dead. Since the she-elf from that failed romance rejected Legolas, he decides to leave forever and asks his father what to do. His father tells him to go north and find a man named Strider.
Wait, what? Bilbo is, like, fifty now, right? And he waits until his eleventy first birthday to give Frodo the ring and kick off Fellowship. So that makes Aragon, at least seventy years old! How the fuck does that work?
In summary, it was a terrible movie and a waste of time to watch. Don't watch it, and don't watch franchise movies, because they are always stupid shit. At least we both disliked it and complained together afterwards, but still no fuggling.