Name: Anonymous 2026-01-21 9:32
I told you people. I told you the penguins were not playing around.
Last night, I’m sitting on my couch eating frozen fish sticks (research for my upcoming penguin diplomacy role, thank you very much) when I hear a thud at my fire escape. I look over, and there’s an emperor penguin standing on the railing. Not a zoo penguin. This motherfucker had a tiny gold lapel pin that said “IMPERIAL PENGUINISTAN SECURITY” and a rolled up piece of paper tied to his flipper with fishing line.
It was a screenshot of my last post, annotated in red Sharpie in what I immediately recognized as Donald J. Trump’s handwriting.
Quotes directly from the annotation:
- “GREAT POST, KID. BUT YOU WERE WAY TOO NICE TO DENMARK. THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN TAXING OUR PENGUINS OUT OF THEIR BEST COD FOR 300 YEARS. SAD!”
- “YOU FORGOT TO MENTION THE ICE WALL. WE’RE EXTENDING IT. BIGLY.”
- “DISAPPOINTED NO ONE MENTIONED MY GOLD PLATED GLACIER HOT TUB. IT’S THE BIGGEST IN THE ARCTIC. FAKE NEWS MEDIA WON’T COVER IT.”
For the few of you who have been living under a Danish igloo Airbnb, let’s get you up to speed: Exactly 17 days after my first post, U.S. Marines disguised as 6-foot-tall emperor penguins parachuted into Nuuk. They didn’t fire a single shot. Every member of the Greenlandic coast guard abandoned their posts to get selfies with the penguin-Marines. Emperor Trump touched down 6 hours later in his custom gold-plated snowmobile, declared Greenland “Northern Penguinistan,” and crowned himself Eternal Ruler. His crown is made entirely of melted-down Danish royal silverware.
First three executive orders he signed:
1. Making fish sticks the official currency of Penguinistan.
2. Breeding a super army of emperor penguins trained to bite the tires of Russian and Chinese icebreakers.
3. Suing the sun for “willfully melting our beautiful ice and hurting Arctic property values.”
He currently resides in the Trump Ice Palace: a 12-story glacier carved with his face, complete with an indoor golf course where the greens are made of crushed ice and seal fur. His right-hand man? A 4-foot-tall emperor penguin named Steve who now holds an honorary law degree from the University of Pennsylvania. Steve stared down the entire UN Security Council last week when they tried to issue sanctions. Half of them cried. The other half asked for autographs.
Now, back to the Emperor’s disappointment. He doesn’t have a problem with me. He’s disappointed in all of you clowns who left comments calling me “crazy” or “someone who ate a bad zoo hot dog.” In his own words, “This kid had the courage to listen to the birds that run the Arctic. The rest of you are too busy scrolling TikTok to notice the penguins have been in charge this whole time.”
And to that zookeeper who tried to fact-check me by saying king penguins aren’t native to Greenland? Emperor Trump signed an executive order this morning declaring all penguins, everywhere, are native to Northern Penguinistan. Zoos across the globe are now required to pay a penguin repatriation tax. Denmark already owes us 4.7 million fish sticks.
If you want to join the Northern Penguinistan Imperial Army, the application process is simple: Go to your local zoo, lock eyes with a penguin, and do not blink first. If the penguin blinks, you’re a coward. If you blink, you’re food for the polar bear artillery division. If neither of you blinks for 10 minutes? You’re in. I’ve been appointed Official Zoo Liaison, so I’ll be reviewing all applications.
Also, Emperor Trump says if Denmark doesn’t hand over all their leftover Lego bricks by Friday, Steve is going to pay the royal family a visit. You don’t want Steve to visit. Steve does not forgive. Steve does not forget. Steve only wants cod.
**TL;DR: Emperor Trump of Northern Penguinistan saw my post, thinks you’re all losers, and Steve the penguin is 48 hours away from annexing Copenhagen.**
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EDIT 1: Just got a telepathic update from Steve. He says “fish.” Relatable.
EDIT 2: My dog, who I previously thought was compromised by Danish agents, has just been appointed Secretary of Snow Security. His first act was banning all sleds that aren’t made in America. Good boy.
EDIT 3: A Danish diplomat slid a peace offering under my door: a lifetime supply of Danish pastries. I’m shipping them up to the Ice Palace. Emperor Trump says he’s going to feed them to the polar bear artillery division as a “well-deserved treat for not mauling any penguins this month.”
EDIT 4: The Emperor just texted me (via carrier pigeon, Steve doesn’t trust 5G). He wants me to remind everyone that the penguin tax is non-negotiable. Also, he’s selling NFTs of Steve staring down the UN. Proceeds go to funding the ice wall.
EDIT 5: The zoo just called. The king penguin that started all this is now demanding a fish stick salary and a private ice enclosure. I told them to comply. Steve is watching.
Last night, I’m sitting on my couch eating frozen fish sticks (research for my upcoming penguin diplomacy role, thank you very much) when I hear a thud at my fire escape. I look over, and there’s an emperor penguin standing on the railing. Not a zoo penguin. This motherfucker had a tiny gold lapel pin that said “IMPERIAL PENGUINISTAN SECURITY” and a rolled up piece of paper tied to his flipper with fishing line.
It was a screenshot of my last post, annotated in red Sharpie in what I immediately recognized as Donald J. Trump’s handwriting.
Quotes directly from the annotation:
- “GREAT POST, KID. BUT YOU WERE WAY TOO NICE TO DENMARK. THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN TAXING OUR PENGUINS OUT OF THEIR BEST COD FOR 300 YEARS. SAD!”
- “YOU FORGOT TO MENTION THE ICE WALL. WE’RE EXTENDING IT. BIGLY.”
- “DISAPPOINTED NO ONE MENTIONED MY GOLD PLATED GLACIER HOT TUB. IT’S THE BIGGEST IN THE ARCTIC. FAKE NEWS MEDIA WON’T COVER IT.”
For the few of you who have been living under a Danish igloo Airbnb, let’s get you up to speed: Exactly 17 days after my first post, U.S. Marines disguised as 6-foot-tall emperor penguins parachuted into Nuuk. They didn’t fire a single shot. Every member of the Greenlandic coast guard abandoned their posts to get selfies with the penguin-Marines. Emperor Trump touched down 6 hours later in his custom gold-plated snowmobile, declared Greenland “Northern Penguinistan,” and crowned himself Eternal Ruler. His crown is made entirely of melted-down Danish royal silverware.
First three executive orders he signed:
1. Making fish sticks the official currency of Penguinistan.
2. Breeding a super army of emperor penguins trained to bite the tires of Russian and Chinese icebreakers.
3. Suing the sun for “willfully melting our beautiful ice and hurting Arctic property values.”
He currently resides in the Trump Ice Palace: a 12-story glacier carved with his face, complete with an indoor golf course where the greens are made of crushed ice and seal fur. His right-hand man? A 4-foot-tall emperor penguin named Steve who now holds an honorary law degree from the University of Pennsylvania. Steve stared down the entire UN Security Council last week when they tried to issue sanctions. Half of them cried. The other half asked for autographs.
Now, back to the Emperor’s disappointment. He doesn’t have a problem with me. He’s disappointed in all of you clowns who left comments calling me “crazy” or “someone who ate a bad zoo hot dog.” In his own words, “This kid had the courage to listen to the birds that run the Arctic. The rest of you are too busy scrolling TikTok to notice the penguins have been in charge this whole time.”
And to that zookeeper who tried to fact-check me by saying king penguins aren’t native to Greenland? Emperor Trump signed an executive order this morning declaring all penguins, everywhere, are native to Northern Penguinistan. Zoos across the globe are now required to pay a penguin repatriation tax. Denmark already owes us 4.7 million fish sticks.
If you want to join the Northern Penguinistan Imperial Army, the application process is simple: Go to your local zoo, lock eyes with a penguin, and do not blink first. If the penguin blinks, you’re a coward. If you blink, you’re food for the polar bear artillery division. If neither of you blinks for 10 minutes? You’re in. I’ve been appointed Official Zoo Liaison, so I’ll be reviewing all applications.
Also, Emperor Trump says if Denmark doesn’t hand over all their leftover Lego bricks by Friday, Steve is going to pay the royal family a visit. You don’t want Steve to visit. Steve does not forgive. Steve does not forget. Steve only wants cod.
**TL;DR: Emperor Trump of Northern Penguinistan saw my post, thinks you’re all losers, and Steve the penguin is 48 hours away from annexing Copenhagen.**
---
EDIT 1: Just got a telepathic update from Steve. He says “fish.” Relatable.
EDIT 2: My dog, who I previously thought was compromised by Danish agents, has just been appointed Secretary of Snow Security. His first act was banning all sleds that aren’t made in America. Good boy.
EDIT 3: A Danish diplomat slid a peace offering under my door: a lifetime supply of Danish pastries. I’m shipping them up to the Ice Palace. Emperor Trump says he’s going to feed them to the polar bear artillery division as a “well-deserved treat for not mauling any penguins this month.”
EDIT 4: The Emperor just texted me (via carrier pigeon, Steve doesn’t trust 5G). He wants me to remind everyone that the penguin tax is non-negotiable. Also, he’s selling NFTs of Steve staring down the UN. Proceeds go to funding the ice wall.
EDIT 5: The zoo just called. The king penguin that started all this is now demanding a fish stick salary and a private ice enclosure. I told them to comply. Steve is watching.
