"I am an adjudicated murderer."

While I was incarcerated I was molested by a guard who figured they had years to groom me, and truth be told I did nothing to stop it. When it eventually did come to light investigators removed the guard from the unit I was housed in and told me they believed me, but there was no physical evidence, so tough shit. I still had to see the guard, it was brutal. Then all the other guards really hated me for not lying to cover for said guard, so that was a whole new level of torment. They would put me in solitary for months and months at a time, they would strip search me 20 times a day just to humiliate me, and force me to go to the bathroom while they watched. I would count the cracks in the wall, count the spots on the ceiling, and go over song lyrics in my head over and over. Every conversation, every interaction of my life was gone over a hundred thousand times or more in my mind, because there was literally nothing else to do. As fucked up as I was when I went in, I was doubly so when I got out. Being free was such a shock to me. I was NOT prepared. The whole time period following my release is blurry to me, like one long blackout drunk

I have severe PTSD, and massive social anxieties. I live like a hermit, I don’t drive, I don’t have friends, and I don’t leave my house except for the bare minimum that my spouse expects of me to maintain basic normalcy appearances for the kids, etc. I feel like every minute of my life is someone else’s stolen happiness. Every time I laugh I think about this other person who will never laugh again because of me. As the years have passed and as my conscience has evolved, I have grown to despise myself. I know deep down I don’t deserve to be happy, I don’t deserve to be breathing. I am incapable of any kind of joy because ultimately it feels so wrong to just go about being alive when someone else isn’t because of me. After years of reflection I am convinced that the only way to make things even a little fair would be for me to kill myself, but at the same time I don’t want to die. …Even knowing that I do not deserve any part of my life today. It’s so fucked up. I know that if I had not killed my family member, I would NOT be living in the suburbs, married and going about this business of life. I was a drop-out; I come from a family with a history of every substance abuse on the planet, not to mention it being rife with mental illness, which I myself have obviously battled with. At best, had I not “gone away”, I would be living in a trailer park smoking meth with anyone who would have me, bouncing in and out of jail. My entire life is stolen from someone else.

According to Robinson, the elder Ramirez had a habit of masturbating in front of prison staff, attorneys, and young girls. “Ramirez was a disruptful individual,” he said. “There were several incidents of masturbation in front of staff and indecent exposure. He exposed himself to children. All of his visits were behind a partition. He wasn’t allowed to touch someone or hug them. The first time he exposed himself was during a legal visit. He would also expose himself inside the housing unit to guards. We put signs in front of the cell saying he has the propensity to that.”

Sounds like public education.

>>2
He sounds like a really interesting person.