Let's make the Old Testament for the secret society. Make sure your submissions are VIP quality!
Name:
Anonymous2014-02-14 20:31
You are in a dark room. You are surrounded by scraps of paper, old dried-out pizza crusts and bathroom tissues, some of which are impregnated with a nondescript substance. The light of a computer terminal is the main source of illumination.
>examine computer
The screensaver disappears as a result of your examination. It reveals a level 10 TROLL. The TROLL is currently dormant.
>engage troll
You engage the TROLL in combat. The TROLL awakens.
>use argument on troll
You use ARGUMENT-ATTACK on TROLL. The TROLL feeds on your ARGUMENT-ATTACK and gains 3 HP. The TROLL replies with a NON-SEQUITUR-ATTACK. You experience a loss of faith in humanity, and lose 4 HP. You have 3 HP left.
>use logic
Your LOGIC-ATTACK has very little effect.
>examine troll
The TROLL has an unusually shaped upper body, and you discern some rectangular bumps underneath his clothes.
>oy vey
The TROLL screams "BIGGEST SHALOM TO THE BIGGEST KIKE ON /PROG/", whatever that means, and proceeds to self-detonation. The TROLL is now dead. You have won.
Name:
Anonymous2014-02-14 20:33
How are Touhou even attractive?
Seriously, they are just a bunch of line of pixels. Why the fuck do men go crazy about them? It makes no fucking sense. I am not a fucking webpage; I have no need for JPEGs. Surely this has to be a mass dick waving contest or something, where very guy has to try to profess his love of yōkai more than everyone else or be called gaijin.
Well I'm going to break this cycle. I am no baka and I like yōkai real and tangible, or if not that, then 3D. Not a fucking bunch of squiggly lines of pixels drawn together.
Anyone agree, or have some other insight to add?
Name:
Anonymous2014-02-14 20:34
/jp/'s shitposting is closer to our brand (which is quite close to 2005 era /b/), while /a/'s is closer to the new age imagereddit shitposting common to the rest of the main imageboards.
What that basically means is that /a/ shitposts by having a deluge of completely worthless shit, but isn't interesting in the slightest, or simple garbage that gets repeated simply because it is annoying. Example: '>implying, image macros, and other shit that would have been funny in middle school. /prog/'s and, to a lesser much extent, /jp/'s, shitposting consist of having a few different shitpost methods with at least some thought put into their creation (for example, the `How are breasts attractive' thread, which is completely off topic and ridiculous, but is well written and somewhat interesting none-the-less). Ideas are formed on a questionable premise, then expanded upon until it reaches it's absurd logical conclusion. It may also take the form of making a huge deal over a minor detail, or assuming things that are false and writing a long critique based upon that, or making provably impossible demands. Contrary to Standard 4chan Shitpost Model (S4SM), where the intent is to annoy, the intent of our shitposting is to entertain, provoke discussion, or simply as an exercise in writing.
Since the fall of Usenet, w4c style shitposting is currently considered some of the best in the world. Even the great usenet trolls have migrated to /prog/ to bask in the glory of our shitposting. The UN is currently trying to classify /prog/ as a world heritage site, but their action may come too late. W4c shitposting is currently an endangered species, due to invasion by the imagereddits, a dwindling population caused by suicide and incarceration, and moderator action. Some have speculated that moot is trying to kill all forms of shitposting that do not conform to Project Canv.as. So far, the best defense available is to derail stupid imagereddit threads with kopipe and JEWS, as well as giving harmful advice to homework threads. It is considered rude to call a w4c style shitpost in conformance with board standards bad.
It is thought by leading scholars that the reason for the Shitposting Schism was the rapid growth of /b/ due to the media exposure of Chanology, when an influx of underage Digg users caused 4chan to explode. Others claim that the shift happened even before that, during the first influx newfags during 2006. This school of thought holds that the first influx gave rise to the loutish behavior of `raiding' and other bullshit, which was a direct cause of the second major wave. Once /b/ was populated almost completely with underage children, the shitposting culture changed to it's modern form, where it is a competition on who can be the most annoying. The cancerous population then colonized nearly every other board on 4chan that could possibly appeal to it's socially well-adjusted population. Mentifex, an expert in the field, built the Artificial Unintellegence ANDRU to model the thought process of the imageredditors. Despite a few setbacks, the project has largely been a major success.
Since world4ch was not linked to on most boards, and since the average imageredditor ignores anything that isn't a reaction image anyway, the area was left mostly unharmed by the change of shitposting. It remained much more subtle, and resembled machine generated spam less than the imageboard brand. Since /jp/ was at one point full of autistic sexually deviants (a natural pairing for /prog/riders) and were far more computer literate than boards such as /g/ or /b/, they were naturally drawn to programming; /prog/ and /lounge/ (which had a shitposting style slightly different than /prog/, until two retarded children took over the board) was an obvious destination. Since it still wasn't enough of a secret club, they moved off site to places like 4-ch for a few days before returning to /jp/ with a more cultured outlook on shitposting.
Name:
Anonymous2014-02-14 20:35
Programming is boring and demeaning, everyone wants to go drinking after work, weed cost to much, sex is gross, computer takes forever to compile, suicide nets outside windows, music isn't interesting, have to ride the bus like a poor person, teleconferencing with foreigners, no good restaurants close enough to have lunch at, performance evaluations based on lines of code, stuck on /prog/ at three in the morning, vending machine won't accept bills, mixed agile with waterfall, impromptu speech at meeting, unpaid overtime, SVN repository corrupt, change orders, stupid security measures, MSDN subscriptions, comment quotas, refactoring code from 2003, office politics, going to a family function at parent's house, wasted sick days just to sleep in, dress codes, tax office doesn't accept Visa debit, rent just got raised, people drinking energy drinks, paperwork, internet filter, people take five thousand items to the express lane, having to show ID to buy liquor, office slut gossip, uncomfortable chair, consultants, slogan posters everywhere, janitor didn't empty the trashcan, light is too bright, two week waiting period to buy a gun, cat left a dead bird in the bed, pen is out of ink, makefiles, asshole stole your bagged lunch, holiday parties, pair programming with a faggot, having to share a secretary, scripting languages, endless manuals and tech documents, beard is itchy, had a bad dream, water has something floating in it, endless talk about pitiful poor people, lighter is out of fluid, shift key going out, someone brought a store-brand soda, coin counter counted a dime as a penny, mouse laser shines in your eye, television infomercials, old people who refuse to retire or die, Taco Bell makes you shit blood, got a speeding ticket in the mail, batteries went dead, candle burned out, drug dealer won't call back, someone broke the build, everything is virtualized, high blood pressure, torrent has zero seeds, left something across the room before you sat down, waitress won't refill your fucking drink, printer out of toner, got a cavity, spilled the ashtray, out of sleeping pills, air conditioner is shitty, women trying to force conversation and not accepting `fuck off' for an answer, complete multivitamin isn't all that complete, considered bad form to drink mouthwash, Windows 8, cubicles, being called `Mister', got a headache, holes in clothes, circular dependencies, autocomplete, reimaging, fork is slightly bent, someone pealed the stickers off the Rubik's Cube, temp workers, gum under the table, dogs barking, knife isn't sharp enough, public intoxication laws, things take too long to ship from Japan, Red Hat Linux, tech support contractors, ate the ice cream too fast, got into a political argument with an idiot, exposed nail under desk, scratched the front of your Rolex watch, not enough cabinet space, florescent lighting hurts your eyes, password complexity requirements with no basis in reality, flowers in window all died, 401k is poorly managed, fell asleep with a lit cigarette in hand, etc....
Name:
Anonymous2014-02-14 20:36
Ruby has a life outside the internet, while Python can't go six hours without playing Call of Duty and geting called a faggot by preteen boys on XBox Live. Ruby teaches gym class and lets you smoke under the bleachers, while Java teaches third-grade english and makes you read aloud in class. Ruby has the ability to empathize with others, while Clojure has over two terabytes of child porn. Ruby is healthy and stong, while Perl has AIDS and needs life support machines to keep him breathing. Ruby sometimes enjoys weed, while Common Lisp sucked off a nigger for a single crack rock. Ruby loves animal and treasures the companionship, while Haskell ran over your dog and made you clean up the mess. Ruby has a vast collection of anime stored on his hard drive, while Smalltalk streams anime and buys the DVDs. Ruby is financially secure and has invested his money wisely, while C++ is always trying to borrow money to buy real estate on the moon. Ruby respects people's personal space, while Fortran gets six inches from your face and spits when he talks. Ruby can agree to disagree, while Scheme wants to behead those who insult Islam. Ruby never hits on your girlfriend, while BASIC molests your children. Ruby has a good job and good mental health, while Symta lives with his mother and spends 18 hours a day shitposting on obscure forums in a foreign language. Ruby is clean and neat, while Lua leaves his trash in your car whenever you take him somewhere. Ruby was voted `Most Likely To Succeed' in high school, while Scala took a gun to school and shot the place up. Ruby cares about a friend's safety, while PHP secretly laced your weed with PCP then called the cops on you. Ruby knows that Jews are evil, while C# is a jew himself. Ruby served nine tours of duty in six different wars, while F# dodge the draft and moved to Canada. Ruby plays the Touhou as Marisa when she's available, while Go won't play at all if he can't play as Reimu. Ruby is learning Japanese to translate visual novels for others, while Javascript is learning Japanese so he can read hentai by himself. Ruby accepts the fact that programming is demeaning, while OCaml also agrees that programming is demeaning. Ruby takes care to not break your stuff, while Pascal clumsily dropped super glue on your carpet. Ruby gets laid with a new girl every night, while C cries while masturbating herself to sleep. Ruby offers you the last piece of food, while Ada orders a bunch of appetizers then eats most of them but still wants to divide the check evenly. Ruby recognizes that magic may exist and understands it's appeal, while Scheme emotionally argued for Small Bomb Theory for hours on end. Ruby is the model Aryan to carry on the Human Race, while Game Maker Language has 24 chromosomes. Ruby is a well mannered drinker, while Assembly thought it would be funny to take a shit in the sink. Ruby values functionality over form, while Forth is an art major who loudly complains about `conformist' with his hipster friends in Starbucks. Ruby can function in almost any environment, while Verilog thinks the Sun is going to eat him and refuses to go outside. Ruby knows when and how to tell a good story, while Tcl talks about 4chan and lolies at parties that he got a pity invite to.
The first anime I ever saw was "Revolutionary Girl Utena" the movie. I was attracted to it because it was bizarre and new. It hit me at a vulnerable time; my father and mother had just been murdered. I became obsessed with the "emptiness inside" theme of the movie, and felt that this related to my life somehow. I watched Evangelion next, and absolutely loved the depressing feeling both of these shows left me with. I am a person who loves depressions; I feel that I am at my most creative and "raw" when utterly depressed. The empty feeling these shows gave me filled me with emotions I wanted to recapture.
Like an addict seeking another hit, I kept downloading more and more programs, watching tons of shows. At one point, I had two shoeboxes full of CD-r's packed with Anime programs. I had a library of just about every show ever made. I became obsessive, but I wasn't finding that feeling that was originally there. Sure, I could recapture it with great stuff like Serial Experiments: Lain and Millenium actress, but that was only for a moment.
Eventually, I stopped watching the shows I was downloading, but just grabbed them for the sake of having them. I had to have more. I bought DVD's and didn't watch them. Gradually, over time, I felt my aesthetic become warped. What once was strange and bizarre looking character design became familiar; I sought it out. If I caught a glimpse of an anime style character in real life, I felt a rush; almost as if my hindbrain saw it before I was aware of it. I was visiting a Japanese tea Garden and saw real life schoolgirls in the familiar navy blue fuku uniforms. I was fascinated by them; I was drawn, attracted, but not in a sexual way; it blew my mind to see something in real life that I had before seen only in the abstract.
A familiar feeling came through me when I saw them. I felt the same at that moment as when I had first seen Utena, when I had first finished Evangelion. My obsession took a new direction.
I bought several sailor fuku uniforms from online retailers. J-list was too expensive and didn't sell in the size I desired. I had to have the legitimate stuff. At first it was satisfying to just look at the uniforms. I would keep them clean, iron them, and hang them up every day. The ritual was soothing to me.
Sooner or later I had to do it. I had to wear the uniforms I had treasured. I am proud to report that it took me a few months to break down, to really cross the threshold into utter depravity. After that line had been crossed, though, there was no going back. Tentatively, I started by simply wearing the uniforms around the house. I would wake up very early, before anyone could glimpse at me from outside on the street, and simply do my cleaning and cooking wearing the various uniforms I purchased. I got a matching apron. I would pretend I was getting ready for Japanese High school.
Soon, though, wearing the uniform in private was not enough. I purchased a duster trenchcoat and began walking through town wearing my outfit. Nobody knew, and this made me comfortable. But, again, this soon became insufficient to satisfy my obsession.
I began stalking this girl I knew, Sarah. I checked out her routines; when she left for work, when she got back, what time she went to bed. At first I furtively ventured into her place with my uniform under my trench coat while she was away. I knew where her spare key was because I had helped her move earlier. Speaking of this, I'm a pretty beefy guy. I weigh around 240-260 pounds, but I'm not that tall. A great friend to have if you need to move.
Anyway, gradually, I became more comfortable in her apartment. I started doing stuff like rolling around in her bed, stealing her underwear and putting it in little plastic bags, soforth. As you would expect, I became more and more comfortable doing this, and crossed a line. She came home unexpectedly one day, early from work. Panicked, I hid under the bed in my uniform. Immediately, as she came through the door, she spotted my trench coat. Lying under her bed, the sound of my heavy breathing seemed a thousand times louder than it actually was. I could hear her rooting through the trench coat, and could hear the wrinkling of celophane as she found my empty plastic bags. Thank god they didn't yet have her used underwear in them.
I put my sweaty, meaty hands together and prayed.
I heard her walking around the apartment. Thankfully, she didn't bring anyone with her. My mind was flashing; the excitement had triggered my epilepsy. Suddenly, I was barraged with memories from my first anime program, revolutionary girl utena. I heard her walking around some more, and then sit down on the bed. I saw her clothes come off and hit the floor in front of me. During this time I was controlling myself and having a minor epileptic fit. I could see transformation sequences from anime programs I had watched. It was all coming together; the near hallucinations, the girl in the bed above me, and most of all, my sweaty fuku uniform.
She approached the bathroom and got into the shower. She turned on the water. I was convinced that this was the one moment I had been searching for. This was my chance to cross over into the other world described in Utena; the fabric of reality was thin. I could taste it. In many of my anime programs I had seen the seemingly normal characters, like me, enter into a world of magic and joy.
I rolled out from under the bed and bounded into the bathroom. She saw my large form approaching through the glass of the shower and started screaming. I was having epileptic flashes; the screaming sounded just like "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" I was having trouble walking, my steps staggered. I couldn't feel the floor. My meaty hands slammed the shower door open, but she sprayed me with a jet of water. The water triggered another fit and I seized, falling into the bath. She tripped and fell on top of me. As she was screaming and my blood filled the bath, it swirled around reality, and intermingled in my mind. Her screams, the blood, my sweat, the uniform, Japan, schoolgirls, magic, tragedy, terror, and hope all become one to me. For one moment, I could taste it. The anime reality. It was here, like a precious jewel perched between my meaty, sweaty pectorals. And then, gone.